Top 10 Major League Lessons


So here’s what we’ve learned in the two weeks(ish) that baseball has been gratefully back in our lives:

1. John Axford, Indians closer, still has the best facial hair in Major League Baseball. This is not a new thing for Axford, but we’re glad to see he hasn’t given up the fight. Oh, and he leads the AL with four saves, so there’s that.

2. The Brewers’ Yovani Gallardo has a 0.00 ERA through two starts. ERA doesn’t matter? Tell that to the Red Sox and Braves, who had to put up with 12.2 innings of shut out baseball from Gallardo. He last started on April 6, and his last earned run came on September 27, 2013. That means the last time he gave up an earned run (here’s the R.L. Stine Goosebumps Choose Your Own Ending portion of the post, where you choose your joke!):

A. Miley Cyrus and a foam finger were the most recognizable American export.

B. Walter White’s travails still were unresolved.

C. There was only one Anchor Man. Unfortunately, there were still three Hangover’s.

            D. Matthew McConaughey’s most famous speech was one delivered as David Wooderson, outside a bowling alley, in a fictionalized 1975.

3. The AL East is super into .500 records. Currently (Friday, 4/11), the Yankees, the Rays and the Blue Jays are 5-5. The Orioles are 4-5, and currently not on-trend — think boot cut jeans in 2014 — while the Red Sox are 4-6 — farther off, nearing JNCO’s territory.

4. It was dirt, ok??

5. And on a similar, Yankees-related note, it’s pronounced Yan-Hervis. What is pronounced Yan-Hervis, you might be asking? Yangervis Solarte’s first name, duh. He’s hitting .387 with 7 RBI, 6 doubles and an OPS of 1.022. So what if it’s April 11. Yankees fans need distractions while Mark Texiera openly acknowledges his declining abilities, let them (and this writer) have this one.

6. Mark Trumbo likes warm, dry, climates, but doesn’t seem to care which warm, dry climates. He’s hit five home runs in just 12 games this season, making Arizona Diamondbacks fans happy, while presumably bumming out Angels fans. Also part of the Week 2 5 HR Club*: Pittsburgh Pirate Pedro Alvarez and San Francisco Giant Brandon Belt.

7. Giancarlo Stanton can still hit leather-bound balls a very long way. One might say it’s one of his skills.

8. Ryan Braun might actually bathe in Boo’s the way most of us use body wash. There is even a possibility he applies them with a loofa in the mornings. But hey, whatever works right? The Brewers are off to a fabulous 7-2 start, thanks to both Braun and the aforementioned Gallardo.


  9. Also, the Nationals are 7-2 and through just nine games have a +22 run differential. That’s staggering. It’s definitely a small sample size, but it sounds good, so we’re running with it. Also of note? The Astros have posted a -20 run differential through their first 10 game and are off to a fast start doing what they do**.

10. The Tigers are probably going to be great again, if the midwestern weather pattern decides that Noah was just a movie and not inspiration. Seriously. The rest of the league has played at least eight games. The Tigers have only managed to sneak seven past that tempestuous Ol’ Mother Nature. But here’s to better weather and a new Tigers Modify Watch!

(That was a list. This is the end. But don’t forget to check out the litany of MLB Mods available for purchase.)



* They’re working on a better, more anagram friendly name. And they’re open to suggestions.

** Which is losing, for those wondering. What they “do” is lose. For now at least. At least while Carlos Correa remains in the minors. He should be fun. But for now? Closer by committee! Yay!


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