Modify’s Top Five Fantasy Baseball Brag Swags
Spring might be two weeks away, officially, but that won’t stop us from celebrating the warm weather like we’ve never heard “I Got You Babe.” while stuck in a Punxsutawney Bed & Breakfast.
Maybe it’s this weird warm weather and sunshine that’s so delightfully been gracing San Francisco with its presence during the last few weeks, or maybe its the lengthening days. Or maybe its the fact that we live in a world that lets us watch baseball in the mornings and basketball, hockey and soccer in the evenings.
We’re going with option C, with options A and B receiving votes.
If you haven’t noticed, we love baseball. We love it so much that we make over 30 watch faces dedicated to the National Pastime. We watch it, we wear it and, of course, we manage very real players in very fake leagues and agonize over it.
And, like many other devoted Fantasy Baseball players, we’ve poured over the litany of guides, projection models, FanGraphs and prospect previews available for our studying/inhaling pleasure.
Given the breadth of data, knowledge and science that seems to have gone into all of those previews, we wouldn’t tease ourselves and say we could offer something more to you, the reader, when it comes to major roster decisions. But what we can do is offer you a guide on how to reward, punish, humiliate, demonstrate and otherwise honor your allegiance to both Major League Baseball and your Fantasy Baseball league.
We would never condone gambling here at Modify, but what we do condone is friendly, incentive-based competition. For instance, if you are in an office league, you and the other 7 to 11 competitors likely see each other frequently. And while simple trash talk might suffice, it doesn’t have to.
We live in 2014, and that allows us to do things.
And that is why we give you the Modify Watch Fantasy Baseball Bragging and Bagging Essentials:
(Warning: These all involve making Modify’s via Kickstarter. We know this. but, But, BUT… It doesn’t make the ideas any less awesome. Don’t trust us? Read on.)
1. The Yellow Jersey: Most offices don’t allow the wearing of uncouth clothing, a la’ a yellow bike shirt, whilst at work. But all offices allow watch-wearing, and that is precisely where we come in. Have your league create a first place watch design. It’s easy; use the name of your league, come up with a cool color combination, maybe include an image of a dragon. Vote on it. Or don’t. Submit that design to the Mod-to-Order Kickstarter campaign. We make your watch. That watch becomes the Yellow Jersey of the Office League. Think about it: The Tour de France awards a winner, sure, but they also announce the leader in a very noticeable, traffic-cone-y fashion during the course of the race. They not only promote sustained excellence, they promote current excellence*, and you should, too. Whoever is winning the league at any given moment in time can wear a figurative Yellow Jersey, on their wrist. It’s like announcing your analytical supremacy 24/7. And if you lose it? Get it back! You need it on your wrist, like Lance needed the Yellow on his back**.
2. The Title Belt: Similar to the Yellow Jersey, insofar as you and your league can come up with it together, but this watch would remain on the League Winner’s wrist all off-season long, a constant reminder to the Cleveland Indians of Fantasy Owners that they were just Oh, So Close. It’s the Yellow Jersey, done Ed McMahon Meets Modify Style.
3. The Also-Ran: Make a Modify that is the literal opposite of the Yellow Jersey. Whatever you find cool, don’t do that. Like solid colors? Make it polka-dots. Dig polka-dots? Take a photo of a dandelion. You happen to be weird and into dandelions? Fine. Don’t bother us none. Take a picture of dog relieving himself upon a fire hydrant. Make that territory-marking dog the face of a watch. Give it a band that most certainly doesn’t match. And then make the owner of the worst team in the league wear said watch*** for as long as he or she is in last place. Insider tip: Make it a very difficult color combo to match. Why would you do this? Because it provides added incentive for deadbeat managers to stay focused for the duration of the season. Because it makes for not one, but two (!) fun meta challenges-within-an-ultimate-challenge scenarios****. Because you will constantly be monitoring the wrist of a coworker. Because it would be awesome. Now you ask, “How would we be able to enforce this?” Easy. Make a rule in the beginning of the season, before anyone has started a weak-hitting second baseman with three career extra-base hits, when hope springs eternal. Pitch it like this: “Only ONE person has to wear it at a time. All you have to do to avoid the humiliation is not be the worst team in the league. Would you really be playing if you thought you were the worst? No. Didn’t think so. So why are scared? Are you chicken?” (Never be afraid to invoke the Chicken Clause if resistance is met). If someone breaks the rule, no invitation next year. Boom. Mind blown.
4. The Better Luck Next Year: This is for a far more limited audience. If you can convince your league to buy into the Also-Ran, however, you might have a shot. And this is something that most definitely appeals to the winner of a league. Here’s what you do: Make all league members take a selfie. (#selfie!). Then, take those selfies and make them into a Modify Watch using our Kickstarter campaign. Then, place those watches in a drawer for six months or so. After six months, following the awarding of the Title Belt, remove those watches from said drawer. Find the watch with the face of the winner. Award that watch to the last place finisher. Make the last place finisher model the watch for the rest of the office. And enjoy the look on their face while they do so.
5. Get a real trophy: This is exactly as it sounds. But real trophies don’t tick. They don’t tell time. They are incredibly difficult to accessorize, and they can seemingly only be procured at stores that peaked in the ’80s. In other words, make Modify your new trophy shop and thank yourself later.
With that, we’re off to read some more Baseball Prospectus. And now you can too, considering we just made your trophy search like, 162 times easier.
*Yes, there is most definitely a doping joke to be made here. But not by this writer. You, however? Go for it. It’s fun.
** Couldn’t help myself, sorry.
*** It can be anything. Don’t let images of misappropriated fire hydrants stunt your creativity.
**** Assuming you also implement the Yellow Jersey.